My fears, my pain, my love

Your eyes cruel, your words daggers, your lips poison, your kiss addictive, your whisper intoxicating, you are my drug, the more I fight to run away, the more of a hold you have upon me. You are my murderer you are my life you are mine.

I can feel

I can feel

My heart trying to shut down

Walls up

Lock down

Keys?

Lost.

Should I keep trusting you?

You wonder why I'm acting different

Well I'm scared

I want to cry

But all I'm getting is

Two dry eyes

And a weary mind

Please Excuse Me

Please excuse me, but my mind has been foggy, and my thoughts uncompleted. My life has been a roller coaster, and I’m scared, but the same loop that I went around not long ago, I might be going around one more time. The ups and downs I want to relive, call me crazy but I do. If I watch my back more carefully and do things differently, what if things work out how I want them? People worry about me, I suppose they have a reason, but I want to give a second chance and see where my new knowledge takes me. I want to try again, people might say I deserve better but what I want is him. He is a game that I want to play again, a game that I want to win this time; I am a very sore loser. I love when he talks to me, his words always soothe me, and whatever he talks about I want to listen. He is a asshole, but I love it, because he is my asshole.

lock and key

What I missed about you was so much
seeing you again brought it all back
that road I won’t travel again
I know where it will lead
I will stay your friend forever
I want to have so much more
what you gave me is what I wanted
things have changed now
I’m not really sure I can get you back
I doubt it will go back to normal
if you try one more time
to get me back
I might try once more
my heart is staying behind this wall
the key hole is all I’ll be looking out of
if you have the key then use it
if you don’t
I guess I’ll have to wait for someone that does

Is it?

Is it so wrong

That I still wish

Is it so bad

That I still dream

You are my wish

You are my dream

But I can't have you

Which makes me long for more

And after I wanted

And realized

I will never get you

I gave you up

Taking my heart away

Sadly...

You still have most of it

And you don't even realize

That you are my dream

You are my wish

I'm Not The Type

I'm not the type
The pretty girl
Who always gets the guy
I'm not the type
The flirty girl
Who gives the thought of more
I'm not the normal
I'm not the spread my legs type
People know this
So why do they still try?
All that happens is they realize
I'm not the type
What I get
Is to realize that no one really cares
That I'm not the type

Please don't be.

Please don't be

I don't want to fall

I'm afraid to fall

Terrified even

If I fall for you..

Will you catch me?

Will you fall for me?

Please don't be the type I've had

The type that watches me fall

Laughing at each crack in my heart

You ask if I'm scared

Of course I am

Why would I not be?

Just please don't be

The one that will break my heart.

Give Me This Moment

Let me have this moment
to ponder to myself
and I’ll give you millions of reasons
that don’t matter at all
but you gave me this moment
left me alone in this quiet room
the silence is so loud
which sounds so silly really
and saying what silence sounds like
why that is curious as well
but curious things are just that curious
so I think I’ll think on that
they say that curiosity killed the cat
why they say that I’ll never know
because silly them have they forgot?
Satisfaction brought it back
and so I say dear one
welcome to my moment
where you let me ponder to myself

Silence

The silence echoes

My mind clouded

No thoughts

Not one whisper

I hum a song

Just to fill the emptiness

The void takes over

I stare out the window

My eyes stare at a single leaf

Seemingly for hours before I realize

That I have no thoughts

That my mind is silent

The silence is terrifying

Tears sting my eyes

Hold me

Never let me go

I can't take everything

By myself

Without you I am nothing

Without you I am

*silence*

Until I find you though

I'll be here waiting

Looking out this window

I wish I could understand

I wish I could understand

Why my mind does this

I feel like it's a defense mechanism

But the problem is

I'm not sure what I'm defending against

There have been some things

That hurt

That I won't be forgetting

But I've already forgiven them

Or have I?

Or did I locked it away somewhere?

My mind is heavy

This fog so thick

If I could understand

Why my mind did this

Maybe I could control it

But I have no idea what's going on

Dream another dream

I'm laying here

In my ten feet tall bed

My head in the clouds

All I'm wanting is your arms

All I'm wanting is your lips

All I'm wanting is your voice

All I'm wanting is your touch

I reach out my arms

And the blankets are all I feel

So I smother myself in covers

And go another night dreaming of you.

Nu-uh.

You see me as already over the line

But I'm just standing at the edge

If you already see me as there

What's the point of staying?

Should I not cross it

Your already ashamed for who I am

Even though there's nothing wrong with me

got cha'

I hear your voice
It calls my name
I come forward
Confusion written on my face
You look at me and smile
All you say is
Fooled you.
I hear your voice
It calls my name
I walk towards you
Confusion written on my face
Questions on my tongue
You look at me and smile
With a teasing smirk you say

Fooled you.

Again.

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

When I say this is what I want!

How come when I try to get it my vision becomes blurred

I lose my focus

I lose my train of thought

The tracks get more confusing

More curve

More hills

I can no longer see my destination

So I stop and try to remember..

What am I doing?

Being a “bitch”

I can never be mean straight up otherwise I will feel awful about it, no matter if they deserved it or not. My ways are much more subtle and I have taken the word sarcasm and formed it into perfection. I can make one believe I am the sweetest of them all and yet secretly to myself and few others who have figured out my small hints that I’m actually not very sweet at all. I never have claimed to be the sweetest and kindest, but people saw my quiet for tender and it made them that much more easy to fool. If I take it too far I will apologize. If I don’t apologize you are probably over reacting.

I hear nothing

Silence

But my mind swarms

I hear no thoughts

But I can feel them

Whispering

My mind in constant fog

To many worries

To many thoughts weigh me down

But how can I shed the fears

When I'm not sure what they are

country boys

Don’t ever love a country boy
they’ll break your heart he said
I don’t want anyone to ever break your heart
promise me you’ll never fall for a country boy
I looked him in the eyes and said
I can’t promise you anything
so we looked up at the stars
I said isn’t this the most beautiful thing
he kissed me and said
almost
i thought to myself
no worries, i'll never fall for a country boy
for what he said was flawless
all the words perfect
which can only be lies
but i'll pretend to fall
and watch him believe that he has me fooled.

if you don't mind

Here is the deal
and I know it is the truth
I’m really starting to like you
I’ve told you I loved you once
hell I know I’ve said it twice
babe here I am in Arkansas
and you are so far away
will you please come to see me again?
I know your really falling for me
and I’ve been trying to hide that I’m doing the same
so if you don’t mind
please stop calling me beautiful
if you don’t mind
please stop calling me baby
if you don’t mind
please stop saying you love me
because heres the deal
and I know it’s the truth
I’m really starting to like you

Please don't hate me God

Please don't hate me God

But today I was with a boy

Please don't hate me God

But I know he has a girl

Please don't hate me God

But I loved it when he kissed me

Please don't hate me God

But I could fall for this boy

Here's the Deal

I love you
I miss you
I want you
I care for you

You don’t love
you don’t miss
you don’t want
you don’t care

So babe I’m wasting my time
so babe I’m done
so babe you’ll miss me
so babe watch me walk away

See that boy over there?
see how he’s walking closer?
see how he leans in for a hug?
see how he holds me?

Hey babe your face got all serious
hey babe your body just got all tense
hey babe do you want me
hey babe its too late

everyone has a voice, mine is quiet so listen closely

Mine is quiet. It speaks, but only if you listen closely will you hear it.

So if you listen closely to me, maybe then will you understand the thoughts, but if you keep yelling at me to speak up you will hear nothing and my story goes untold. One wonders why I think so much and why I never share my thoughts.

No one had tried to listen to my thoughts so my voice went unused and my voice forgot how to tell, so words were my savior. Words kept me from losing control. I went through a time, much like anyone else, when everyone discovered that they are their own person. As people discovered this the louder they got, the louder they got, the quieter I became, my voice wasn’t loud enough to be heard in the circus of life. I internalized my voice and began to think. As time went on the people who didn’t speak were spoken for and my voice became the voices of others who would speak in my behalf.

When I would speak it would come out sarcasm because I hadn’t learned how to speak out loud only in my thoughts. People thought I was sweet and kind and blah, blah, blah… I played the part well, for when you listen you learn. I learned exactly what people wanted to hear, so they wanted me sweet caring and kind that is what they got.

Those who acted cocky, they were another story, I gave them sarcasm, I gave them wit. This silenced them, which would please me. The people who needed to shut their mouths the most were always the ones talking...

finally

Today I am done
Today I am stronger
Today is the day I stop getting pushed around
Today is the day I stop hurting
Today is the day when there are no tears
Today I am free

hello world :)

i've decided i want to give blogging a try.. not really sure how i'll do at this, but here goes..

hello my name is shanna i'm 18 and i'm trying to figure out what i want in life.. theres a few things you'll find reading these
1. i'm random
2. i'm silly
3. i think way too much
4. i like to write poems (if thats what you want to call them)
5. i'm confusing..
thats about it..